The Poetry Place

Challenge Day 6

Wednesday, 7 May 2008 10:36:03

Wednesday, 7 May 2008 10:36:03

I've made a couple of alterations: label for covering, poor sides for casing. Added an exclamation for dramatic effect...

Renee's Challenge

I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the rich dark nutritious kernel
Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea
The egg yolk and the white is all consumed!
   Or from a luscious avocado pear
   The stone and all the flesh, so fresh, so fair,
Is scraped. What's left? A void. An empty room.
   So now, with paper label stained and torn
I lie discarded, cast aside and soon
To no more see the stars, nor sun nor moon,
   But in a bin or pit to rest forlorn.
My body hollow, my poor sides thin
I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.



Challenge Day 5

Tuesday, 6 May 2008 14:10:47

Tuesday, 6 May 2008 14:10:47

Back again. Having had time to muse upon the baked bean can...

So now, with paper covering stained and torn
I lie discarded, cast aside and soon
To no more see the stars, nor sun nor moon,
But in a bin or pit to rest forlorn.
My body hollow, my casing thin
I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.

A spot of tidying up to do but I think I've pretty much got it.



Challenge Day 4

Sunday, 27 April 2008 16:09:14

Sunday, 27 April 2008 16:09:14

I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the rich dark nutritious kernel
   Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea
The egg yolk and the white is all consumed;
Or from a luscious avocado pear
The stone and all the flesh, so fresh, so fair,
Is scraped. What's left? A void. An empty room.

I have a final couplet in mind but I'm having trouble with the next 4 lines:
So now, with paper covering stained and torn
I lie discarded...
....
.................<perhaps a rhyme:> forlorn.
My sides are hollow, my casing thin
I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.

It'll have to wait. I'll finish it this week but I shall be out of email contact
for most of the time. 



Challenge Day 3

Wednesday, 23 April 2008 11:26:58

Wednesday, 23 April 2008 11:26:58

   I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the rich dark nutritious kernel
   Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea
   The egg yolk and the white is all consumed....

The egg reminds me of another image, an avocado pear.

The egg yolk and white is all consumed, or from an avocado pear, the stone and all the flesh is scooped (no, already used) / taken? / disembowelled (tempting but no).   Rhymes suggest themselves around pear and consumed.   Let me doodle on a piece of paper for a while...

The egg yolk and the white is all consumed;
Or from a ..... avocado pear
The stone and all the flesh, so ...., so fair,
Is ......  What's left? A void. An empty room. 

That establishes a pattern for the octet. Slowly taking shape.

 



Challenge Day 2

Tuesday, 22 April 2008 14:44:14

Tuesday, 22 April 2008 14:44:14

Thinking of the removal of the good centre, I was reminded of a child attacking a boiled egg so I have a rhyme for 'me' as well as another quite apt image:
   I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the kernel...
   Is gone, scooped out, as at some toddler's tea
   The yolk is ... what?  consumed?

I think I can get kernel to rhyme with shell although the stress is in the wrong place. In fact I like that; it stops the rhyme becoming intrusive.

   I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the rich dark nutritious kernel
   Now is gone, scooped out, as at some toddler's tea
   The yolk is ... what?  consumed?

Next re-write:

   I gave my all, my all they took from me
   And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
   From which the rich dark nutritious kernel
   Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea
   The egg yolk and the white is all consumed....



A Challenge

Monday, 21 April 2008 11:23:53

Monday, 21 April 2008 11:23:53

Challenged to write a sonnet on an unprepossessing title, someone came up with an empty baked bean tin. It's my belief that poems are very good at finding interest and meaning in insignificant things, as indeed are paintings and drawings.
I'll call this Renee's Challenge and make a start.

I gave my all, my all they took from me
And what remains - an empty husk, a shell
From which the kernel...

It's a start. The decision to personify the bean tin gives me a bit more freedom and I can begin to see the ways in which empty, used up, scooped out things have a resonance here.



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