Challenge Day 6
Wednesday, 7 May 2008 10:36:03
183 27
07
05
2008
10
36
03
Challenge Day 6 | |
Wednesday, 7 May 2008 10:36:03 |
I've made a couple of alterations: label for covering, poor sides for casing. Added an exclamation for dramatic effect...
Renee's Challenge
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the rich dark nutritious kernel Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea The egg yolk and the white is all consumed! Or from a luscious avocado pear The stone and all the flesh, so fresh, so fair, Is scraped. What's left? A void. An empty room. So now, with paper label stained and torn I lie discarded, cast aside and soon To no more see the stars, nor sun nor moon, But in a bin or pit to rest forlorn. My body hollow, my poor sides thin I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.
| |
Challenge Day 5
Tuesday, 6 May 2008 14:10:47
182 27
06
05
2008
14
10
47
Challenge Day 5 | |
Tuesday, 6 May 2008 14:10:47 |
Back again. Having had time to muse upon the baked bean can...
So now, with paper covering stained and torn I lie discarded, cast aside and soon To no more see the stars, nor sun nor moon, But in a bin or pit to rest forlorn. My body hollow, my casing thin I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.
A spot of tidying up to do but I think I've pretty much got it.
| |
Challenge Day 4
Sunday, 27 April 2008 16:09:14
177 27
27
04
2008
16
09
14
Challenge Day 4 | |
Sunday, 27 April 2008 16:09:14 |
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the rich dark nutritious kernel Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea The egg yolk and the white is all consumed; Or from a luscious avocado pear The stone and all the flesh, so fresh, so fair, Is scraped. What's left? A void. An empty room.
I have a final couplet in mind but I'm having trouble with the next 4 lines: So now, with paper covering stained and torn I lie discarded... .... .................<perhaps a rhyme:> forlorn. My sides are hollow, my casing thin I am the opened, spurned, baked bean tin.
It'll have to wait. I'll finish it this week but I shall be out of email contact for most of the time.
| |
Challenge Day 3
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 11:26:58
176 27
23
04
2008
11
26
58
Challenge Day 3 | |
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 11:26:58 |
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the rich dark nutritious kernel Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea The egg yolk and the white is all consumed....
The egg reminds me of another image, an avocado pear.
The egg yolk and white is all consumed, or from an avocado pear, the stone and all the flesh is scooped (no, already used) / taken? / disembowelled (tempting but no). Rhymes suggest themselves around pear and consumed. Let me doodle on a piece of paper for a while...
The egg yolk and the white is all consumed; Or from a ..... avocado pear The stone and all the flesh, so ...., so fair, Is ...... What's left? A void. An empty room.
That establishes a pattern for the octet. Slowly taking shape.
| |
Challenge Day 2
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 14:44:14
175 27
22
04
2008
14
44
14
Challenge Day 2 | |
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 14:44:14 |
Thinking of the removal of the good centre, I was reminded of a child attacking a boiled egg so I have a rhyme for 'me' as well as another quite apt image: I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the kernel... Is gone, scooped out, as at some toddler's tea The yolk is ... what? consumed?
I think I can get kernel to rhyme with shell although the stress is in the wrong place. In fact I like that; it stops the rhyme becoming intrusive.
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the rich dark nutritious kernel Now is gone, scooped out, as at some toddler's tea The yolk is ... what? consumed?
Next re-write:
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the rich dark nutritious kernel Now is gone, scooped, as at some toddler's tea The egg yolk and the white is all consumed....
| |
A Challenge
Monday, 21 April 2008 11:23:53
174 27
21
04
2008
11
23
53
A Challenge | |
Monday, 21 April 2008 11:23:53 |
Challenged to write a sonnet on an unprepossessing title, someone came up with an empty baked bean tin. It's my belief that poems are very good at finding interest and meaning in insignificant things, as indeed are paintings and drawings. I'll call this Renee's Challenge and make a start.
I gave my all, my all they took from me And what remains - an empty husk, a shell From which the kernel...
It's a start. The decision to personify the bean tin gives me a bit more freedom and I can begin to see the ways in which empty, used up, scooped out things have a resonance here.
| |
|