Wednesday, 9 March 2011 11:37:31
Do I keep it really minimal or... Well, let's add some punctuation and link words and see how it comes out.
Pupil droplets: in ones and twos
down the streets and lanes
they gather into threes and fours,
gradually form streamlets
which coalesce into brooks
and then into rushing burns
as the school gates are reached,
pour in and swirl and whirl
and gradually pause, find their level
in the reservoir of class or hall.
But this river is nothing compared
to the bursting of the banks
and the torrent which outpours
when the final bell sounds.
The underlined words are where I feel unsure / unhappy. Two graduallys in one short poem is one too many! Should I use the word 'dam' at some point? Would that be better than banks - which sounds good but is less accurate.